The Journal
by dabbling
Summary: Pretend you've just found Alex Eames' personal journal. Alex's thoughts and feelings as she navigates her own heart.
1. Chapter 1

The Journal

_May 17_

_He was all over me, and I him. I remember screaming out his name and licking him in places I haven't even seen. Bobby! How can I even look at him tomorrow morning?!_

_ Backing up- We were at some five star hotel, in a high roller suite. Bobby was wearing some ridiculous yellow Hawaiian shirt with these green spiky leaves all over it. And jeans. I remember the jeans, because… well. Bobby looks good in jeans._

_ I was in some kind of red formal that had a low back and probably 400 tiny white buttons snaking up the front of it. The damn things were impossible to manage! I think half of my time was spent just putting that damn dress on._

_ And he ordered room service, champagne and some kind of fruit, and then all of a sudden we were on the balcony, the hot tub bubbling beside us, and Bobby said he was hot and opened up that crazy shirt._

_ One by one, the white buttons started popping off my dress. I kept trying to fix it, but I would fix one and lose another and then he was helping and then he wasn't helping and next thing you know we were naked in the hot tub._

_ Naked. And I know I never want to really think of him that way, but oh…_

_I'm going to be looking at Bobby differently tomorrow. Crazy ass dream!_

* * *

"Eames, were you done with this?" Bobby asks, holding up the financials from the Whorten file.

His top button is loose. I can see a big gray bundle of man-fur poking out from behind the fabric. I clear my throat, lick my lips, summon my courage and look him in the eye. "Yeah," I say, my voice a squeak. I clear my throat again.

He smiles at me, in amusement. He turns to take the papers back to the interview room he'd been holed up in, and I can't help but stare at his ass until he is out of sight.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

_May 21_

_I don't dream every night. At least, I don't remember them every night. I wonder if that's true for most people?_

_Tonight I dreamed that Joe was with me. He was the same as I remember him, in every way. We were over at Amanda's house, playing cards with her and her fiancé, and we were laughing. Laughing so hard._

_God I miss Joe._

* * *

"You okay, Eames?" Goren asks, his head tilted to one side and bending over a little.

"Just kind of melancholy today. No reason."

"Wait, I have just the thing." He opens his desk drawer and brings out a box about the size of a coffee mug. "I was going to wrap it and all, but… you look like you need it now."

He passes the box over and I see it is a Wonder Woman skittles dispenser. Where in the hell he got something like that, I will never know. I have to laugh. Bobby throws a sack of the candy over so I can fill it up and try it out.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

_May 22_

_ We were at some kind of graduation or something. Almost everyone there was wearing a cap and gown. Girls wore gold, and boys wore blue. And my little brother Johnny was one of them. And Nate. Like he's the same age as Johnny. And then they threw their caps and I woke up with the neighbor's cat eating my spider plant again._

_ Damn cat. I don't even know how it's getting in._

* * *

"Bobby, do you know anything about cats?"

He stares at me like I am an idiot. He raises his eyebrows and waits for a more specific question.

"My neighbor's cat keeps coming in my apartment and eating my plants."

"What kind?"

"A Tabby."

"Not the cat, the plant."

"Oh. Mostly my spider plant."

"That's okay, it won't hurt it."

I fold my arms and roll my eyes. "At this point, I'd be glad if the thing did fall over dead."

"Get some bitter apple spray and spray your plants with it. It'll stop eating them." He throws his little squishy ball in the air and catches it. "Or, you could be a detective and figure out how it's getting in. Block its way."

"Funny, Bobby."

He shrugs.

"I don't have time. And if I do have time, I'm too tired. I'll just buy the damn spray."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

_May 25_

_Holy hell. Of all people, this was the worst sex dream ever. Well, worst… and best._

_ I won't get into the details, but let's just say he was gifted with his tongue._

_I hope the Captain doesn't find a reason to pair me up with Logan tomorrow._

* * *

"Eames, you wanna get lunch with us? We're going to Luciano's."

"Who's going?" I ask.

"Who cares? It's Luciano's!" Bobby protests.

I glare at him, so he will know, for certain, that I care.

"Oh. Uh, you know, Me, you, Daniels, Wheeler, Logan."

"I'm out," I say quickly.

"Something wrong with Logan?" he asks.

"Not that he knows of," I say. "Don't say anything, but… I'm out. Have a good time."

"Okay, Eames."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

_May 26_

_ I guess I have to give a little background so this dream will make as much sense as it can. Bobby and I solved a murder today. A tough one, and one that I was really torn up about._

_ The victim was a 19 year old girl, off to college on scholarship, hard earned, in engineering. Rodgers said she was 8 weeks pregnant when she died._

_ Ever since I lost the baby, I have a hard time keeping emotional distance with these kind of cases. It's been ten years already, you'd think I would have gotten the ability back, but I haven't. Joe and I lost our baby. It wasn't fair, and it wasn't anyone's fault the baby died. This baby was murdered._

_ So the dream… It was like I was reliving my nephew's birth. Only this time, Bobby was there with me, and he was holding my hand and encouraging me. Really, that was better than the real thing had been, but I digress._

_ Just as the baby was taking his first breath, a dark figure entered the room. I begged Bobby to stop him, I knew he was going to kill the baby._

_ I tried to get up, to stop him myself, but in the dream I was completely immobile. Bobby tackled him and I was afraid for him , that he would be hurt, and then the doctor laid the baby on my chest and Bobby was bringing me flowers._

_ It was like the whole middle part didn't fit with the rest of the dream. Weird._

* * *

We hold our weapons in front of us and walk deeper into the dark alley. I call to Bobby, to get him to slow down. He is getting too far ahead and I am having trouble seeing him. Then I hear the crash and the yelling and I feel sick to my stomach.

I force myself to keep calm and keep moving forward, and finally get my gun trained on the perp. He freezes when he sees me and Bobby gets his weapon clear, then cuffs him.

There is gratitude in Bobby's eyes when he looks at me, which is exactly what I am feeling for him.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

_May 30_

_Okay, this was originally going to just be a dream journal, but I'm so furious right now, and I have to talk to somebody. So I guess I'll talk to myself._

_Bobby got into it with the Captain again today. Sometimes, that man astounds me with his stupidity! I mean, sometimes I get it, but this was just over backing off a little on his technique with a high profile media queen we have to question. I don't see why somebody so smart can't figure out a way to do that, and still get the information he needs out of her. Instead, Bobby got his hackles up, and he lit into Ross about micromanagement and Ross got so pissed he yanked us off the case._

_ When I tried to talk to him about it, he stuck his hand in the air and stomped away. _

_ I don't know if I can stand to look at him tomorrow._

* * *

The first thing I see when I get in to work is the email. The big ox wrote me an apology.

"I'm sorry my stubbornness is impacting your career. If you want to ask to be reassigned, I won't be offended."

Really, Goren?


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

_May 31_

_ Bobby is moping. Brooding, even. He was very cordial to me, but he's still furious with the Captain. _

_ My cousin's daughter is getting married in Vermont this weekend. I'm glad I have the chance to get away for a few days._

_ Maybe Bobby will get over it by the time I come back._

* * *

_June 2_

_ I dreamed about him again. I don't know if it was the wedding, or what, but it was another sex dream. Seemed like we were on a honeymoon or something._

_ I sooooo don't want to think of Bobby that way. _

_ I woke up throbbing. If he's half as good in real life… but dreams are always better than real life, right?_

* * *

"Hi Bobby."

"Alex? I thought you were in Vermont."

"Just got back. I was… I was wondering how you were."

"Not looking forward to tomorrow, if that's what you mean. I mean, except that… you know, you'll be there…"

"You're still mad, then?"

"It's hard to let it go."

"Want to go get a drink somewhere, talk?"

"Name the place."

* * *

_June 3_

_ We danced. The bar had a dance floor, and Bobby asked me to dance with him._

_ You know, maybe it's because of that stupid dream, but being close to him like that… I could smell him. He smells like strength. And intelligence. _

_ I think if I were taller I probably would have kissed him. I wanted to kiss him._

* * *

There's something of the old Bobby here today. He looks at me and I don't have to speak, he just knows what I'm going to say. He is avoiding the Captain, but he doesn't seem angry now.

I think he's letting it go.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

_June 15_

_ I cried tonight. A big cry, what some people would probably call "a good cry." I never understood that saying. I hate to cry, and I never feel "good" afterward, I feel like I was run over by a truck and have a headache and head congestion to boot._

_ I guess I'm just lonely. That's what started it._

_ I called Bobby, but he didn't answer so I hung up. I don't know what I would tell him anyway. I guess I was hoping he would know what to say to me._

_ It's stupid, really. I mean, I have a great life. I love my job, I love my family. Bobby and I are working better together than we have in years. I'm healthy, the finances are okay. Why should I get so down?_

_ I know I'll never have kids of my own. I'm too old, it's too risky. Truthfully, Joe's death shut the door on that dream forever._

_ And I can always borrow the nieces and nephews for a day to get my fill. All the fun of parenting without the responsibilities. So why should I be sad?_

_ My apartment is, well, sterile. When Joe was here, I never knew what to expect when I came home. Sometimes he'd leave in the middle of some kind of project and there would be these little messes here and there._

_ I miss that. It was fun to have those surprises. Another life touching mine._

_ I guess this is all my life is going to bring._

* * *

"Eames, you called?"

"Oh," I sniff, "Yeah, Bobby."

"You sick?"

"No. Just… I'm sorry, Bobby, I shouldn't have called you."

"You've been crying."

The stupid tears, again! "Yeah," I whisper.

"I'm coming over." Silence, and then, "Okay?"

"Yeah."

* * *

_June 16_

_ I'm fine today. Last night Bobby came over and we had a game of scrabble. Drunken scrabble, I guess you could call it. It was fun. Bobby is a lot of fun. _


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

_June 22_

_ Bobby got called out as a consultant on a couple of murders in El Paso. I guess that time in the FBI got the word out about his profiling skills. I haven't seen or heard from him for a couple of days._

_ Bobby in Texas. I wonder if he'll come back wearing a cowboy hat or something._

_ Next week is the anniversary of Mom's death. The family is going to meet over at her grave, and then have dinner with Dad. I guess I've been avoiding thinking about it. Her. When I do, it hurts. And now I feel guilty for not wanting to think about her. I should honor her memory and remember all the good times, right? But I can't, because I just cry like I am now. Love you, Mom. I wish you were still here._

* * *

"Eames."

"Bobby! How are things in Texas?"

"Big."

I grin.

"We're wrapping things up. I should be home in a couple of days."

I hear something loud in the background. "Where are you?"

"Oh? I'm polishing up my two-step," he says. "Last night I went salsa dancing."

"Did you buy a cowboy hat?"

"Eames. When in Rome…"

"I gotta see that!"

* * *

_June 25_

_ The detectives down there are trying to show Bobby everything about Texas in one short trip. He's done the Alamo, seen a rodeo, worked on his dance moves, and visited an oil field. I'll be glad when he comes home. I miss him._

* * *

"Hi, Eames." He sounds kind of down.

"What's wrong, Bobby?"

"I… uh… it's going to be a few more days before I can get home."

"Because?"

"I… uh… you know those mechanical bulls? I threw my back out."

"Bobby!"

"It's okay, I'm just going to stay here in the hotel until it works itself out. The locals are checking in on me, too."

"Oh, Bobby. I wish there was something I could do to help."

"Thanks, Eames."

* * *

_June 26_

_There were flowers on my desk today. Lilies, my mom's favorite. Bobby remembered._

_It was a hard day. I'm glad I got to be with Dad today. He told me he loves me and he's proud of me, and that Mom is, too._


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

_July 1_

_Bobby made it back from Texas in one piece. He gave me this fantastic picture of him in a cowboy hat, western shirt, bolo tie, boots, and sporting a ridiculously huge belt buckle on his jeans. He said one of the cops down there used to ride rodeo and it was his buckle from an old competition he won. I have to say, looking at it now, Bobby makes a fine cowboy._

_I've realized I've been depressed for a while now. Probably a month, at least. I haven't felt like doing much around home, and I guess that's why all the thoughts of Joe, and of Mom. I've got to pick myself back up, get back on track. Maybe I'll start by cleaning out that old storage unit._

* * *

"Thanks for letting me do this, Bobby."

He shrugs. "We're in the neighborhood."

I walk over to the locked door and fumble with my keys until I find the right one. The padlock pops open and I remove it from the latch. Then I pull the door up from the ground and watch it fold into the tracks along the ceiling. The place is floor to floor boxes. I haven't seen it since I moved after Joe died. A lot of this stuff was his.

"You're planning to clean this out?" Bobby asks me.

"Yeah," I say.

He whistles, long and low. "Looks like you might want some help."

I am intimidated by the task, but I know there are some very, very personal items in here. Things that were just mine and Joe's. "No," I say. "I think I need to tackle it by myself."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

_July 2_

_It's all crap. I've been paying $75 a month to keep a load of crap. The first 3 boxes are on my living room floor right now. Almost gave me a hernia lifting them to bring them home, and I open them and it's just a bunch of paper. Junk mail, even. But I can't just toss them, because what if there's just one important piece of paper in there?_

_15 minutes a day. That's what I'll do. Sort papers for 15 minutes a day until the boxes are empty._

_I know how this happened. When I sold the house, I didn't think I could handle going through everything. I thought I would just grieve for Joe all over again, so I avoided it. I threw everything in boxes and locked it away so I could move on._

_I didn't realize that you're never really done grieving._

* * *

_July 3_

_One box down, two to go. I did find something I wanted to keep. A little note he wrote to me before he left for work one night._

_Wheeler went on vacation, and Logan's been sitting at his desk all day. He kept texting me stupid messages, just to interrupt. Just to pass the time. In one of them, he told me I dropped my pencil on the floor, probably just so he could see my ass when I bent over to pick it up. I was dressed for court today, wearing flats and a skirt suit. Instead of bending over for it, I slipped off my shoe and picked it up with my toes, showing him a little leg as I transferred it to my hand. I grinned at him afterward, and I don't think he was breathing. It was hilarious!_

_Bobby missed the show. He was at the library gathering research materials for our new case._

* * *

_July 4_

_It's a holiday, and I don't feel like working. Logan asked if I wanted to go watch the fireworks with him. I told him yes. I need to get out more._

* * *

_July 5_

_In my dream I was naked and there were fireworks popping off just overhead. The damn embers were hitting me and burning my skin. I started to run away from them, and it was like they followed me. Finally, I dove into a pond to get away from all the burning sparks. I should probably buy one of those books that interprets dreams. I have some really weird ones._

_I had a good time with Mike. He apologized about the pencil thing, and congratulated me on my quick, witty response. He promised to be less of an ape when he's at work, said he couldn't promise all the time, because he can't constantly work against his true nature, especially in the presence of a beautiful woman._

_I liked that last part. He made me smile._

* * *

"Good holiday, Eames?"

"Yeah," I say, and fight the urge to glance back at Mike. "You?"

"Yeah, I went to the Park. I haven't been down there in a couple of years, it was fun. Where did you go?"

"Oh, uh, actually… the roof here. Nice view, not so crowded."

"Maybe I'll try that next year. Here's what I have so far on Forenzi." He hands me a few pages of notes, and walks off to an interview room with a book under his arm. He's going to go read in peace.

I turn around and almost bump into Mike. "Oh, sorry," he says.

"No, I'm sorry," I reply.

"Alex, I… I had a good time last night," he says as he hands me a fresh cup of coffee.

"Me too, Mike."


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

_July 7_

_Somehow, Logan and I ended up working late at 1PP tonight. We were the only ones in the office. I had just logged off my computer when I saw that funny look on his face. I asked him if he was all right, and he couldn't answer. He scared the hell out of me._

_ Anyway, I took him to the ER and it turns out he's got a kidney stone. So I took him home and babysat him through 3 bottles of water before I came home for the night._

_ He didn't say much. He's in a lot of pain._

* * *

_July 8_

_ Logan called in sick today. I went over after work and made him drink more water. He complained a little, but I could tell he was holding back for my sake. I hope he passes that thing soon. Poor guy._

_ Bobby scored a break for us against Forenzi today. We're going to bring him into interrogation tomorrow._

_ Meanwhile, I've almost finished with those boxes. Time to go to storage and pick up more._

* * *

"Eames," I say.

His voice is weary, but he seems relieved. "I got rid of it," Mike says.

"Thank God," I tell him.

"Yeah."

"You want me to bring you something for dinner?"

"Uh… sure. Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry I wasn't too friendly these last couple of days. Thanks for helping me, anyway."

"You'd have done the same for me," I say. I really think he would.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

_July 9_

_ Bobby is a freakin' genius in interrogation. The guy did every damn thing he could to run around us, gave us lie after lie after lie, and Bobby just quietly knocked them down one by one until it all fell, like a line of dominos. Then he played "broken record" with Forenzi until he got so pissed he blurted out the one thing he shouldn't have said._

_ That guy's going away for a long, long time._

_ I'm taking Bobby out for a drink to celebrate._

* * *

"Thank you, Eames." He leans in and smiles at me, and then takes a drink.

I give him a smile, too. "You deserve it." I raise my glass in a toast. "Damn, Bobby, you're good."

He shrugs off my compliment. "Just lucky, you know?" He looks out over the room. "So, Eames, if you don't mind my asking… you and Logan… got something…? You know?"

I shake my head, but I'm sure the grin on my face negates it. "No. I just gave him a hand this week, that's all." I don't tell him about the kidney stone. It seems kind of personal.

Bobby takes another drink and changes the subject. "How's it going with the storage unit?"

"Slow. But I am making progress."

I catch him looking at me. He's looking deeper than what he hears me say. When he does that, it makes me feel naked. When he does that, I think he's the only one who really knows me.

"I found an old note that Joe left me," I say, in answer to his unspoken query. "It was… nice to find it." I give him another smile, and keep my eyes locked on his until he's convinced that I'm all right.

"I'm still around, if you need some help with it," he finally says, and sips at his drink again.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

_July 10_

_More boxes. Only this time, the first one I opened is full of books and photo albums that belonged to Joe. The books aren't important; I'm giving them to Goodwill. But the photo albums… I know they were from his life before me, but these pictures… these people were important to him. I don't know what to do with them. I suppose I could give them to his mother. She may know who the people are, may appreciate the pictures even more than I do._

_It was weird, really. They are pictures of him before I knew him, pictures with girls he dated before me, with friends I never met. And as always, Joe was laughing and happy with them, too._

_It makes me cry._

* * *

"You're preoccupied, today," Bobby says, flipping his pencil around in his fingers.

"Am I?" I counter, a little angry at his prying.

He gets up and hovers, taking baby steps in the direction of the coffee machine. "You don't have to talk about it if you, you know, if you can't talk about it. I understand."

Still he hovers a moment longer. I watch him as he walks away.

"Hey, Alex," another voice says behind me. I turn and look up to see Mike. He looks so much better than the other day.

"Hi, Mike."

"Did you want to get lunch later today? Things are kind of slow for us, I've got time."

I give him a smile. "Sure."

"I'll text you," he says, as Bobby comes back. He looks between Logan and me, but says nothing, just sits down with a dramatic sip of his coffee and buries himself in his paperwork.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

_July 11_

_I made it through the second box tonight, and I found something I'd forgotten about. When Joe & I were dating, he used to write me a little note every night and leave it for me to find the next day. I kept them all, and I put them in a little scrapbook. If I had been journaling back then, I'm sure I would have written all about those notes._

_You know, early on, we were just hot for each other. But looking at those notes… he opened up to me pretty fast. I guess Joe wasn't typical that way. He told me how he felt right away. I fell in love with him a little more every day._

_I wonder if I ever told him half of what I felt for him. God, Joe, I hope you know how much I loved you._

_This is so hard. It's hard, but I have to do it. It's not fair to bury my life with Joe under lock and key. He was real, our love was real, and it deserves to be out in the open._

* * *

I wish Bobby would talk to me about it, today, but I think I chased him off yesterday. He's noticed how I'm feeling; nothing escapes his attention. But every time I think he's going to say something, ask me about it, he closes his mouth and starts talking shop.

"Bobby, I… I'm sorry about yesterday," I blurt.

"No need to be sorry," he says, his voice light and friendly.

I feel something clench over my heart. Why is it so damn hard to talk about my feelings?!

"It's been… hard… going through the stuff," I tell him.

He smiles a little smile. "I know," he says. "Did you… want to talk about it?"

Do I?

After a long pause, I sigh. "Maybe later," I say.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

_July 12_

_ I took a small box of things to Joe's mother. She looks old. Older than I thought she would. I suppose I look that way to her, too. Anyway, she was happy to have the photo album and the other things. She remembered almost all the people in the pictures, and she understood why I felt strange about keeping them. She invited me to come back, but I don't think I can._

_ Today was hard enough._

* * *

_July 13_

_ I asked Bobby to meet me at the storage unit. He was impressed with how much I've already cleared out, and I explained that I needed his help to get rid of the furniture. I can't get to the boxes in the back until I get the old couch and chair out of the way._

_ He climbed over the couch and fell. I was worried he was hurt, but he popped right back up to his feet and pushed the couch sideways. He helped me get a few more boxes and we pushed the couch back together._

_ Sometime next week I'm going to rent a truck and Bobby's going to help me get the furniture out of there._

* * *

_July 15_

_ Bobby asked Mike along, too. They loaded the truck and left me standing doing nothing like some kind of helpless damsel. I guess I should be happy I didn't have to do any of the heavy lifting, but…I guess I'm just used to pulling my own weight._

_ After we dropped the stuff at the thrift store, I took them out for lunch. Logan was hilarious. He told some story about going jet skiing and thinking he was going to be attacked by sharks. God, he makes me laugh!_

_ Bobby didn't say a whole lot. I'm not sure, but I think he may have hurt his back again._

* * *

"You're sick?" I ask.

"Nah, just… yeah. I'm sick."

"Bobby?"

"I'll be better tomorrow, Eames, really."

"Did you throw out your back again?"

"It wasn't the couch," he says. "It was later, after I got home."

"What, then?"

I wait a long time and he finally says, "I bent over to pick up my shoes."

"Bobby! Do you need anything?"

"I can manage."

"I'll stop by after work."

"Eames, you don't-"

"I'll see you later, Bobby."


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

_July 17_

_ I just used my key to let myself in at Bobby's place. I figured that way he wouldn't have to get up to answer the door. He was lying flat on his back on the floor in between the couch and the kitchen. I almost stepped on him, but he said, "Hi Eames" and made me jump out of my skin._

_ He said the floor is better to lie on—the bed is too soft. He said when he was in El Paso he laid on the floor for two days and it worked itself back out._

_ I feel really bad about it. If I hadn't asked him to help me with the furniture, he would have never thrown his back out. I cooked him some dinner, and he managed to get up long enough to sit at the table and eat, but I could tell he was uncomfortable. He kept stretching and squirming, and the look on his face… _

_ He slowly got back into his position on the floor and I got the scrabble game out. I figured he could use some company, something to think about besides the texture in the ceiling._

_ He laid with his little tray of tiles on his chest, and I gave him a throw pillow for his head. I don't know how he did it, but he pictured the board in his head the whole time. He would just hand the tiles to me and tell me where to put his words. He was doing typical Bobby moves, too. He made words that filled in the gaps between other words and nailed the triple word score at least 3 times. He still stomped me._

_ He didn't get up when I left, just held his hand up in the air and gave my hand a squeeze. I hope his back straightens out. I hope he'll call me if he needs help._

* * *

"But you're up?"

"I'm up. It's not 100%, but I can get around, today."

"Good."

"Thanks for last night, Eames. It was… nice."

I smile. "Rematch tonight?"

I swear I can hear him smile sometimes. "O-okay," he says.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

_July 18_

_I played scrabble with Bobby again. He's back on his feet. I could tell he was taking things slowly. He seems afraid to do anything too suddenly. It's hopeless, really. I play a game with Bobby and he scores anywhere from 290 to 400 points. Me? I score below 200 consistently. He looks a little guilty, sometimes, but he can't stop himself from using all 7 letters once he finds he can._

_I don't mind. He may win at a silly board game, but I can literally kick his ass if I ever need to, and he knows it. That's why we make such good partners. He knows my strengths and I know his._

* * *

_July 19_

_I went out to dinner with Mike. He told me a lot about himself, about his childhood. He had a hard time of it, growing up. But his Dad was a cop. We had that in common._

_I've finished going through the latest boxes. Nothing remarkable in these, except an old pair of sneakers I begged Joe to get rid of that he wouldn't for sentimental reasons. He said they were his lucky sneakers, but he never really explained why. I think I can find somebody who can truly use them._

* * *

"Hey Bobby, you know that guy that's always at the viaduct on the 145th Street Bridge?"

"Sure, Vincent."

"You think he could wear a size 10?"

"Yeah, I think so. Or he could trade 'em for some he could fit."

I show him the sack. "I found some shoes in Joe's old stuff," I explain.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

_July 20_

_ This time, I was calling the shots. I was on top, and I don't know if I had him strapped down or what, but it was all up to me._

_ Bobby didn't seem to be complaining._

_ At the end of the dream we were old. Really old. Sitting on a park bench and watching pigeons fighting over some scraps in the grass._

_ I don't know what any of this stuff means. Probably nothing. Makes more sense to write down the things that really happen in my life instead of these odd dreams._

_ Logan was in a street ball tournament today. He asked me to come cheer him on, and I did. His team of 3 guys came in 5__th__ place. They won t-shirts and a waived entry fee for next year's tournament. It was fun, but it was crazy hot today._

_ So I spend the day with Mike and then I dream about sex and old age with Bobby. I must be certifiable._

* * *

I throw the tomatoes in the salad and toss it again. Liz comes up behind me. "We haven't seen you in a while," she says.

"I've been busy," I shrug.

She sits down at the kitchen table. "Busy with who?"

I glance at her, then back to the food. The salad is tossed, I really should stop fooling with it. "I'm going through a lot of things I've had in storage," I say.

She knows what is in my storage unit. "Are you all right?" She asks, worried. She was there for me when Joe died. She remembers how poorly I handled it.

I give her a nod. "So far."

"But you weren't home when I called yesterday."

"Oh, I went to see Logan play basketball."

"Logan?"

"Yeah."

"Something going on there?"

"No." I lean against the counter and look down at my feet. Is there something going on with me and Mike? "Maybe."


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

_July 21_

_Good Lord it was a Monday. Mike & Bobby both got me coffee, which made me laugh, but Bobby got pissed and acted ornery the rest of the day. Then we found out one of our cases might fall apart because I had a typo in one of the reports and the attorney is appealing the perp's case all because of a freakin' typo. Ross called a departmental meeting and reamed us all about the quality of our reports. I spent the afternoon editing my latest reports before I turn them in. The whole concept just ticks me off. Yeah, he didn't murder somebody because I forgot to cross a "t." Lawyers shouldn't be allowed to pull this crap._

_And then Bobby, who was already in his pissy mood, hates paperwork. So he got even grumpier as the day went on. In fact, I think the whole office was throwing me dirty looks._

_Except Mike. He was wearing purple today. God, he looks sharp in purple. He avoided the whole subject and asked me out to dinner again. He's picking me up in an hour._

* * *

_July 21, again_

_He kissed me. *_scratched out_* I kissed him. *_scribbled out_* _

_We kissed._

_After dinner, Mike walked me home. It's easy to talk to him, he's you know, a regular guy. Not like trying to have a conversation with a member of Mensa._

_So when we got to my doorstep, I didn't feel like it had been such a crappy day anymore. And he was smiling, that big smile of his, and we just kissed._

* * *

Bobby and I are already working when Logan walks over. He gives me that big smile and says "Good morning."

I smile back. "Morning, Mike."

That's all. He walks back to his desk and gets busy. I turn back and find Goren staring at me. Then he picks up his paperwork and heads off to an interview room mumbling something about getting distracted too easily.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

_July 22_

_ This is one of those cases that gets under your skin and won't let go. For Bobby, especially._

_ Serial killer, homeless victims. We have 3 dead already. We spent the day going over crime scenes and interviewing vagrants. We don't have much physical evidence to go on yet. The killer is slitting their throats from behind._

_ So for tonight, I'm trying to get some sleep. I don't think I'll have much of a chance to in the next few days._

* * *

_July 23_

_ Bobby called me at 4 a.m. We had another body. He was still in yesterday's clothes when I met him at the scene. The victim was Tom, a big guy who used to beg for money to buy sandwiches. I used to get him a sandwich every Thursday when I worked in Vice._

_ Bobby's postulating that the killer is tall, because of Tom's height and the angle of the cut on his neck. We're hoping we'll get a print or something off Tom's backpack._

_ He thinks the killer is a vagrant as well. If that's true, it's going to be very hard to track him down._

* * *

_July 24_

_ Another day, another body. When we went to the shelter to interview people, you could see how scared they were. The guys working at the shelter told us how hard it is to turn people away when they're full for the night; harder than usual. _

_ Bobby thinks our guy just came to the city recently, drifting in from somewhere else. He's basing that on how little we've been able to get from the locals. I don't know what to think. I just wish we could get a damn fingerprint or a shoe print or something._

_ Bobby's not sleeping. Not much, anyway._

* * *

_July 25_

_ Finally, we got a break. The handle of the knife broke as he finished the stroke that killed this latest victim. Trace got partial prints off the pieces of the plastic handle. It was a cheap utility knife. When I ran the prints through the FBI I got a match._

_ We have a picture, now. We know who we're looking for._

_ I drove by the bridge. Vincent's still there. He's wearing Joe's shoes._

* * *

I drive as fast as I can. We've got the local house on alert, too, but nobody's called in yet. Bobby is very quiet, and his adrenaline is up. We changed into shorts and tees, to better blend in. I've got my glock in one of those fanny packs. Bobby's got big pockets in his cargo shorts. We think we can pull it off.

I park the car and we part ways. I sit by the hot dog stand and Bobby stands at the bus stop. He's relying on me; he knows I'm very good at surveillance. We spot a tall guy coming up from the tunnels. I shake my head slightly and I can see Bobby relax.

Then I spot him. He's coming up from the subway stairs, and he's talking to himself. I throw Bobby a look and stand up, opening the zipper and closing my hand around my gun. Bobby sticks his hand in his pocket and takes two steps towards the street.

The guy doesn't see us until we're on him, he's so busy talking to himself. But then we're on him and he freaks out. I hear Bobby cry out before we slam him down and pin him to the ground. I cuff him while Bobby clears the knife and the local cops come in to help us.

By the time they take over, Bobby's sitting on the bus stop bench, and I hear the patrolman calling a bus. I jog over, and see him, eyes shut, holding his arm tightly.

"Bobby?"

He opens his eyes and looks at me. Pain, but reassurance.

I frown and rub his back while we wait for the bus.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

_July 26_

_ We caught him. Bobby got his arm cut in the process. He got 8 stitches after a lot of work cleaning the wound. The cut's no big deal, but the possibility of infection is. We don't know what was on that blade before it cut Bobby._

_ I stayed with him in the ER and gave him a ride home. He was quiet a long time; I thought he was just hurting. But at his place, after we got inside, he turned to me and asked me if I would sit down and talk._

_ He asked me about Logan. I told him the truth, that I haven't even seen Mike since Tuesday morning. He shook his head and looked aggravated._

_ "Are you in love with him?" He asked me._

_ I told him the truth. "I haven't been in love in a long, long time."_

_ Bobby still wasn't satisfied. I thought about the kiss, I thought about telling him, but I haven't thought about Mike in so long, I don't even know what that kiss was all about._

_ Am I in love with Logan? No._

_ Am I in love with anyone? I don't think so._

_ I think Bobby may be in love with me, though._

* * *

"Good morning, Alex," Mike says with that grin of his.

Today, now, after all that thinking, I can't return his enthusiasm. I offer him a smile, but I'm sure it's rather sad. "Mike."

"I heard about yesterday. Goren okay?"

"Yeah. All stitched up and taking it easy."

"I'm glad it wasn't you," he says quietly. He touches a finger to my hand and then walks back to his desk.

Now I feel like shit. I rub my temples and pretend to read my email.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

_July 27_

_I stayed home tonight. I can't deal with all this Mike or Bobby and am I in love or not kind of stuff. I'm alone. I'm a loner. That's who I am, that's what I do._

_I picked up a few more boxes from storage. It's looking pretty good over there. I have some more furniture to get rid of, but then I should be able to end my contract._

_I don't want to be in love, anyway. Too much hassle. _

_I just opened one of the boxes and I fell apart. It was full of items from our wedding. The centerpiece from the table, the cake topper. The candle holders from our table at the reception._

_Am I in love with anyone?_

_I guess I am. I'm still in love with Joe._

* * *

You wouldn't know he's hurt, to look at him. His long sleeve shirt covers it.

"You okay?" I ask him.

"It nags, but it's okay," he answers me. Bobby doesn't look away, and I get that naked feeling again. "Eames," he says.

"Mmm-hmmm?" I say, pretending that I don't feel like he's just invaded my privacy.

"Never mind," he says. He looks down at his binder and starts fooling with it, but I can tell he's still watching me.

Bobby knows. Somehow, he knows about me, about last night, about Joe.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

_July 28_

_I found the wedding album, too. When Joe died, I put away everything except my ring and that one picture on my dresser. Now I have the whole day in front of me. Mom and Dad took snapshots, and the photographer took all the expected pictures. I have my wedding day in its entirety laid out in front of me._

_I did all right looking at the ones of me. But there are pictures, behind the scenes pictures of Joe getting ready, laughing with my brother and my Dad. _

_I went through the entire album, three times. It was the best day of my life._

* * *

I can't stop crying, so when the doorbell rings, I'm less than happy to have company. I peek through the peephole. It's Bobby. He's in jeans and a t-shirt and I can see the bandage on his upper arm. I pull the door open. "Hi, Bobby," I squeak through the tears.

His face is overcome with concern. "Eames!" He says it softly, but urgently. I feel his hand brush against my arm and the next thing I know I'm pressed against him, sobbing into his chest.

He slowly strokes my hair until I manage to get a grip on myself. I pull away, afraid to look at him.

"You… you're remembering Joe," he says softly.

I nod and walk into the kitchen to pour a glass of water, waving my hand at the wedding album lying on the coffee table. "Have a look," I say.

He sits down and flips through the book reverently. He takes his time, almost as long as I took when I went through it last. Finally, my glass is empty and he closes the book. He doesn't say anything, so I do.

"I guess I never grieved for him properly. I'm sorry about that, when you came in."

Bobby is shaking his head. "I'm sorry for the intrusion." I want to ask him why he came, but it feels like a lot of work to say anything right now. "I was just… looking for a scrabble game, I guess."

I smile at him, and he takes my hand. "You were beautiful. You are beautiful."

I have to laugh at that, knowing how awful I must look after all the crying. "Bobby," I manage to say.

"You look like maybe you're not up to scrabble tonight." He gently picks up my wedding album and puts it in the center of the bookshelf, where the whole world can see it. "How about a movie?" He asks, holding up the remote for the tv.

I swallow and nod, and he turns the tv on as he sits down beside me.

* * *

_July 28, again_

_Bobby stayed with me for a long time tonight. Nothing happened, he was just there. We sat on the couch together and had some popcorn. He didn't ask me to talk about it. He didn't keep me from talking about it. It was nice to not have to think for a while, to just… be._

_Now he's gone home and I'm in my bed wondering…_

_Is this love?_


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

_July 30_

_Logan caught me in the stairwell today. He wanted to know what he did wrong. I told him nothing, I just have too much going on in my life to start a relationship right now._

_He asked me about the kiss. I told him I guess it just happened in the heat of the moment and now looking back I'm sorry because I misled him. After my second apology, he walked back up the stairs and into Major Case._

* * *

I come out of interrogation and spot Bobby waiting for me in the hall. He gives me a grin and I return it. Just as I turn around I see Logan duck his head down, acting like he wasn't watching us.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

_August 1_

_We managed to get the last of the furniture out without hurting Bobby's back. By 'we,' I mean me and Bobby. Mike isn't giving me the time of day now. I guess I must have really hurt his feelings._

_I am no longer paying $75 a month to store a bunch of junk! I just have a few more boxes in my living room and the job is done. I'm not crying so much, now. I think maybe I have finally come to terms with losing Joe. Then again, maybe I'll fall apart again 3 years from now. Who knows?_

_I asked Bobby to come over tomorrow night. He's been such a good friend to me, and I really want him to know how much I appreciate it._

* * *

_August 2_

_ I dreamed that I was floating in a warm ocean, with no effort at all, bobbing up and down with the waves. It was the greatest feeling!_

_ I cooked Bobby dinner, and we had a good time together. We played another game of scrabble, and I actually managed to get a 7 letter word on the board this time, though he still beat me._

_ After the game, we shared a bottle of bourbon. He's conked out on the couch right now, with his feet hanging up over the armrest. I'm kind of in a quandary about what to do with him. I don't think I can get him up and to the bed, he's too big. I'm afraid if he stays on the couch very long, his back will be a mess._

_ I'm also afraid he'll wake up in the night and leave without telling me. I kind of like having him close by._

* * *

"Bobby," I whisper, kneeling close to his ear.

He whimpers and says something that sounds like "Alex." I blush and smile.

"Bobby," I try again. "Wake up."

His eyes open a slit, and he seems happy.

"Come to bed," I say, as sweetly as I can.

He turns to his side and closes his eyes again, but I hear him mumbling again. He smiles, and it seems to me this is the most content I've ever seen him. I lean in and kiss his lips. I don't know why, it just felt right.

"Alex," I hear him whisper, and he's kissing me back, and I can't stop myself from rubbing my hand on his shirt.

He's awake now, staring at me. Hopeful, and afraid.

I hold his gaze. "Come to bed," I say again.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

_August 3_

_We made love last night. Bobby was so gentle. Everything about it felt right. Even right now, with him asleep right behind me, I feel as if I'm exactly where I need to be._

_I… guess… I do… love… him_

* * *

I'm trying to write my thoughts, using the little bit of light from my cell as a book light so I won't wake him. As I write the word 'I,' I feel his hand on my hip. I write the word 'guess,' and I feel his lips sink against my neck, sending a shiver through me. I shrug him away and write 'I do,' and then he's nipping at my earlobe. As I write 'love,' I feel his hand sliding up the front side of me, and his tongue wet against my ear. I write 'him' and the pen falls right out of my hand and rolls onto the floor.

I roll onto my back, and his hand rests easily against my breast, as his lips move to mine. I try him, a quick taste on my tongue and I suck his top lip between mine.

I am careful not to touch the place where the stitches were, but I run my hands along his neck and shoulders and down some. He draws back for air, and asks, "What were you writing?"

Another kiss, then two, and I am speechless. He turns and retrieves the notebook, holding it up in the dim light.

I see his grin. "You love me?"

His eyes are teasing at first, but then they look right through me. "I love you," I manage to whisper.

He hugs me close and rolls me over so I am laying overtop him. His hands draw a line down my spine, and he kisses me deep. "I love you, too, Alex Eames," he says to me.

* * *

_August 4_

_ He is every bit as good as I dreamed he was._

The End

* * *

A/N Thank you everyone for reading and reviewing and PMing me. I really enjoy writing, especially when I get lots of emotional responses from my readers. Honestly, it took on a life of its own and didn't go exactly the way I thought it would, but I'm satisfied with it. I hope you are, as well!


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